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Membru din: mar 2009

Locatie: Muntii Appalachi

Mesaje: 125

Re: Bani, locatie, asigurare si parinti …


Postat initial de A_Long_ways

Good Evening,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and seven months. We’re in a long distance relationship, so it has been a rough but rewarding year and seven months. We both feel that emotionally we’re ready to take the next step and move in together. However, we don’t want to just get married right away, we want to at least have a little time actually being together on a daily basis before doing so.

Now, this is where the problems start. I’m planning on moving down there, finding a job, and supporting us while she goes to school. Or at least that was what we were planning. We spoke today and she said her parents hated the idea, and if she went through with it they would take her off of their health insurance, and car insurance. This is a huge blow to us, as we’re both not exactly rich people. They say that if she moves in with me and I’m paying for her food, shelter, etc, that she is a “live-in *****”. Needless to say this tears me apart because god knows there are millions more reasons than sex that I want to be with her. They don’t want us to live together out of wedlock, but they don’t want us to rush into marriage. Talk about an insolvable conundrum?

It really feels like her parents are trying to sabotage our relationship, or at least control it, financially. They know that if she is off of their health and car insurance she won’t be able to pay for it herself, especially if she’s going to school full time. Granted, I don’t expect them to pay for it forever, really only a few months is all we need. And any money that she had to borrow I would make sure that we paid back ASAP. But keeping her on their insurance wouldn’t cost them a cent more than it is now, they’re just being spiteful.

On top of all this, I feel like my girlfriend just has to let loose and jump in every now and then. She has had a pretty rough life and her parents are mostly always involved in the bad things she’s had happen. Of course, she’s made mistakes of her own also, but who hasn’t? Anyway, she just seems so scared to take a chance on this that it scares me. Life isn’t easy, and tough choices and actions have to be taken in order to get anywhere in life. She and I will talk for hours and we’ll both be feeling great about our situation, like we know it will be rough but as long as we’re together at the end of the day it’s worth it. Then she’ll speak with her parents for 10 minutes and she’s far worse off than she was all day. They get into her head and just confuse her and scare her until she just doesn’t want to think about it anymore.

Another reason this really worries me is, I don’t want to be one of those guys who just complains about his in-laws. For some unknown reason, maybe because it’s long distance, they hate me. The last time I was down there we all went out to dinner, had a few drinks, a lot of laughs, and I thought it genuinely went great. But, they didn’t see it that way I suppose.

I’m going down there in July and I plan to sit her father down and try to have a one on one with him to see where he’s coming from and why he treats me and her this way. Does anyone have any advice about what I can possibly say to him to earn his respect? He’s a pretty old fashioned kinda guy from Texas. If that wasn’t intimidating enough he looks exactly like Clint Eastwood.

WOW – You know, I was in exactly that position for the last three years of my life. I have horrible health (and of course my parents know it). My father works in threats. If I married or moved in with my boyfriend at the time (we are married now), all the money/insurance would be withdrawn. The same threats were given to my boyfriend by his mother as well. Every one was against us living together, let alone marrying. I actually had to threaten my father back just to be able to go to school with my long distance lover (I was in cali he was in GA) by telling him I would commission into the army through the Sr. military college of GA if he wouldn’t pay for my education there (and I would have, too, just to be near my boyfriend).

Here is my advice, coming from a similar situation. The threats and worries of her parents do come from a genuine place of concern (even if it is ill thought or misplaced concern. .. even if they have been the cause of a lot of hurt… as my parents were/are). Waiting until she is out of school to live together is not so bad of an idea. I am guessing you are relatively young seeing as how she is still on her parents’ insurance. I know you are likely head over heals, but that is precisely why it may be a good idea to wait a while. People grow and change so much, especially in college; you can still grow together while being apart (if that makes any sense).

If there is anything I regret about getting married right out of college it is not being able to be independent and on my own for a while (I’ve always been dependent on somebody… often times those people let me down.. . like my parents, so it is hard for me to feel dependent on my H… I’ve never lived to see my own independence, so I feel I must cling to my H’s guidance and support but am also afraid to reach out for it because I am afraid that he will not be able to follow through).

All those feelings that people told me I would have that I discounted or discredited because “we were different” well… I ended up feeling them at some point or other. Leaving everything in California. .. even the things I thought I would never miss… really did put a road block in our relationship. I often found myself resentful that I gave up so much (deep down any way). Not that those feelings destroyed anything, as I said – it just put more road blocks in the way, more things to have to deal with and get over. Give yourselves time to just be individuals for a while. To grow into yourselves before you grow into each other.

Moreover, if you can stay on the in-laws good side, it is for the better. My H wanted to do what was best for me. he knew he wouldn’t be able to support the both of us at the time – not without some help from either of our parents, so we chose to wait. And you know, if there is anything I don’t regret, it is waiting. Dating life offers much to be enjoyed as well. It allows more breathing room before you take the plunge of being together. If you do move out there, maybe you could just date for a while, spend lots of time together, try to build some sort of a relationship with the in-laws/people who have a big place in her life. Perhaps the in-laws will then realize how serious you are. Maybe they just want her to be a little older (I know the idea for my parents of me living with my boyfriend while I was eighteen and nineteen, even twenty, wasn’t the happiest idea for them). It’ll be even harder for them to let her go if she is their only child.

Just try to be patient with her. Don’t put her in the position of having to choose between you and her parents. Be as supportive as possible. My H, then my boyfriend, had a conversation with my dad when he visited for a couple of weeks that made my dad kick him out of the house. He wound up staying with some of my friends for the rest of his stay. How embarrassing was that!!! And it was all because my boyfriend was trying to protect me from my father. Guess what – while my dad’s never apologized for the fiasco, he gave us his blessing for our marriage and is even paying for the reception (all because we waited a little while).

I’m not saying that will happen for you, but I am saying it can’t hurt. You may feel like you should be scooping her up and saving her from her parents. I don’t know the situation exactly so I can’t tell you whether that is a good choice of action or not. I do know that being away from my parents has been a bitter blessing. When you leave your home, you leave behind everything – good and bad. Sometimes I regret coming to GA – my mom recently found out she had terminal cancer… it broke my heart to know that I would be living here while she faced this. To know that right when the pieces of our mother-daughter relationship were being put together, they would soon fall apart. Because no one can predict when she will go, and because she is still able to care for herself, I am in Georgia, waiting for the day that I get the dreaded phone call about her declining health. Its rotten, and no one could have predicted it, but it’s like that one song:

“Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for

good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the

people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you

should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and

lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you

knew when you were young.”

I would say – try to approach the situation to end in a compromise that will work for everyone. Chances are her dad would love it if you came to him open and honest about his concerns for his daughter. He wants to know that you will take good care of her. He’s a lot older than you so two years (or one year and seven months) likely isn’t a long time to him. Let him know your intentions are wholesome. It’s hard for parents when some one cares about their child as much as they do. It’s also a letting go process for them. Parents like to hold on as long as possible – or that seems to be the general trend. They may be scared because they know how bad the economy is. Perhaps they are afraid she won’t finish her education. You will never know if you don’t approach them about it though. The best you can do is be there for her – even if you can’t live together for a little while.

“what ever you do, don’t

congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your

choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. “

Good luck – life is tough and poses challenges with many courses of action to take. Our life is built upon our choices. Look at the life you wish to build, and make your choices based on that picture. Nothing ever truly goes as planned, but its good to have a goal in mind, so you don’t forget what you are working for.

I’ll be hoping and thinking good thoughts for you.